My Recent Crossroads (2003 Personal Write Up )

My Dear Friends,

I am glad you are there, just an email away… Life lately has not been OK for me, that is facing reality bluntly. It’s only two months since my father’s death and my entire family hasn’t got over it yet. We certainly need time. I am trying real hard to feel and look better even if at times I do not feel like it. I could always mask the happiest face but deep within me, I am grieving. It isn’t that easy to move on especially if I relive the circumstances before he died. My heart feels empty and in pain everytime I think of it.

He was with me at the hospital because at the time I got sick (June 8, 2003). That was the last time we were together and the last time I had a glimpse of him; i will never get to see him again. The next morning I had known that he’s gone (June 9, 2003). And much painful was that I was the last one to know; they kept it from me. I felt betrayed… I felt the pang of pain at that very moment… It was the worst nightmare of my life!

My father was always the one who was there whenever I am sick or something. He was the one who saved me from near drowning (November 19, 1995), I still could remember! He was able to save me from that accident for me to enjoy my second life here on earth… I was always trying to hold back the tears to let everybody know that I am tough and hard when in fact I am not. I am weak… I got depressed. My hair started falling, and I’ve lost too much weight. But I need to move on because my mother has been real worried about me. Being the eldest of 3 broods, I am the one she needs for support now more than ever… I never blamed God for what happened. I believe with conviction that it was just HIS way of showing to us and letting us know how life should be lived. HE owns us and anytime; whether we are prepared or not; whether it is to our liking or not; HE can always take what he has rightfully given. This is the thought that has always made my feeling much lighter. And I am positive that ACCEPTANCE will soon come.

While on my way to recovery, my boyfriend I broke up (July 29, 2003). It was just a slight argument but at the spur of the moment; because of anger and jealousy, he has given me freedom because according to him it’s what I want and he has already prepared himself for it. I was hurt, that was for sure! But I tried to understand him, I always had… But the pain I’ve felt was just so immense at the time. I never expected he hasn’t got enough trust for me and much worse, he counted all the things he did for me. Again, I tried to understand him…

Prior to this event, many things had already crossed my mind. “Is he the one… the one I want to share my life with for the rest of my life? Am I willing to sacrifice everything for him?. Often, I’ve neglected these questions; I’ve never entertained them because we were trying things out. But after what happened, I’ ve done a lot of thinking and reflection…

I had always dreamed of having and being into a wonderful relationship. I am just like everybody else who dreamed of having a family of my own and live life righteously and contentedly. I had this one person in mind. Although it’s not sane and rational to expect something from anybody, somehow, from the inner part of me, I sure expected. That’s why I felt pain when everything hasn’t gone my way… I love too deeply and I don’t easily fall out of love. Being consistent with your emotions has its disadvantages after all. I’ve loved this person for years. Maybe all my life! Whew, such love! My ex- boyfriend had always known the situation from the very beginning. My heart was with someone else. But he took the risk and assured me he’d help me learn to love him. We became steady not because I love him but because I wanted to try things out; and I have to admit that the pain I’ve felt at the time has played a big part. And also partly because I pitied him somehow. I wasn’t really prepared for the relationship that is why it took us long to let everybody know. This is not saying I had been unfair to him coz I had been transparent and honest from the start. Because of his love for me, he tried to understand everything. I know its wrong, but still I’ve made the decision and tried everything within my power to make the best out of the situation. Needless to say, the efforts and emotions that I had invested in the relationship I never thought would all be for naught. I never played games. The relationship had been topsy-turvy. On and off. But I kept thinking I had chosen to be in this situation and I have to make things right. I had learned to be positive, always looking on the brighter side of life. I had appreciated the love and affection he bestowed upon me and from there, I thought all this would work out after all. Until the time he two- timed me. That was the least thing I’ve expected him to do after all the efforts I’ve done to help myself requite his love for me. It’s just so unfair! What have I done to deserve this?! The pain was just too much to bear. I’ve left it to him to decide whom he will choose. He had chosen to drop the other girl but not without much effort from me. I have to do what I thought was right just to help him decide to do what is right and proper. My trust was not 100%. He did it once; he might do it again. But then the relationship got on for more than 2 years… Long enough for all the things that I had gone through. Days after we broke up, he wanted me back. I refused to and its final. I will stand by my decision. I was thinking of a long-term relationship and what if we will stay long for many years and at the last minute one of us will have a change of heart? The pain would really be unbearable. I wouldn’t want to inflict pain to anybody much more to the person I’ve been with for that long. I wouldn’t want to be trapped into a situation where I could not anymore make rational decisions just because “I have no way out… I’ll decide in his favor because I wouldn’t want him to be hurt…” I’ve been through that and it’s not wise decision-making; it’s unhealthy.

My family has been against my decision because my ex-bf has threatened me he will take his own life if I refuse to accept him again. But I am sticking to what I’ve said. I know that everybody is capable of committing suicide but I am leaving it all up in God's grace for now. I'm praying that God will grant him the strength that he needs to cope with the current circumstances. He may be enlightened and will understand the situation. I can't say I am happy with my decision. I can't just throw away 3 years with the wind! But I deemed it’s for the best. I never had thought that all of these would end up this way. But then, I’ve realized that love isn’t always bed of roses. Nevertheless, I’ve learned so many things in this relationship: having to understand someone to the best of your ability, tolerance, affection, compassion, compromise, forgiveness and most of all the art of loving and giving. I've taught my heart to be brave enough to let go. I've realized that things are not meant after all. Although many people thought that I’ve only played games with him, I wouldn’t admit it for my life! It’s just so unfair to accuse me of it because I’m sure they do not know me well enough. Things become quite easy when my ex-bf said that he felt my love for him when we were together. That was the ultimate prize I’ve got from being true and honest. I haven’t cheated anyone. The thing that I could afford to offer him for now is my unending friendship. I am confident this could stand through thick and thin. I am helping him cope gradually; if he needs me I can always be there for him and it’s a promise that I have taken to heart. He knows that. The thought of being single for life has crossed my mind. Maybe there would be less hassles and heartbreak but on the other hand, no love at all!

I refuse to plan now for my future, I will absolutely find it hard and difficult to accept if I fail again, and again, and again… Ayoko na lang mag-isip… I’m leaving everything in God’s hands… Naging mabuting Kristiyano naman siguro ako and I am positive that GOD will always be there for me. I will go with the flow and go where it would lead me. Sometimes, if things wouldn’t go my way, I would think negatively: “what have I done to deserve such a thing? Am I not worth loving and keeping?” The best people in my life had been taken away from me. But then if I would always dwell on that, I would come out as the loser. On the brighter side, all that happened to me for 3 years, even my father’s death, had made me a better and a stronger person. I couldn’t have exchange it for anything else in this world. At least, it was all worth trying…

The thing that had always kept me moving on was God’s promise: "that HE knows the plans He has for me; the plans to prosper me and not to harm me; the plans to give me hope and future…" This is what has always kept me holding on despite so many setbacks in my life.

More than all, I am glad for the breaking. I’ll wait when the LORD will reveal the logic in all this things HE is doing. That’s one way to make us standing in awe for HIM. He really have to be mysterious. If not, if HE will reveal everything to us, we will not glorify HIM anymore. Thank you for sticking. You’ll always be in my prayers…

Love,
ELLAINE

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