From Me To You

This letter was composed at my most emotional state. Mixed feelings engulfed me while I was writing this—sadness, anger, pain… The recipient wasn’t able to get hold of this until now due to some inevitable circumstances…

It’s ironic sometimes how friends could be so alike yet so different.


January 11, 2006
10:24 AM

Hello! Hope you are doing fine despite all the odds… Well, you may not expect this but unexpected as it may seem, hope you could take time to grasp what message I would like to send…

It has been 7 months since what had transpired in June 2005. Sorry to bring this out but to be honest with you, I waited for 7 months for you to bring it out to me in the open, but you never did. I guess it’s high time for me to let you know what I’ve felt about the whole thing… I know how hurt you were pero di lang naman ikaw ‘yong may damdamin, right? I know nasaktan ka by what I did and I admitted naman right on your face it was my fault but I never expected you to bear grudges against me for that long. I thought you knew me too well from the tip of my hair to the tip of my nails… Yon ang akala ko, pero di pala. i was hurt knowing naging masyadong mababaw pala pagkakilala mo sa pagkatao ko. I don’t deserve the treatment you gave me. I don’t wanna be a hypocrite. You know I am a very honest person and you know how brutally frank I could get. Three times I texted you in June believing I deserve to know what happened with you but I never heard a word from you… You never cared to let me know. On September 7, at Superlanes Compound, you told me I just have to wait for your text, but none came… I held on to your word… You know how I am about remembering dates and words spoken, I could easily recall that. Until such time I’ve found out from Allan (October 26, 2005) you’re in Manila na. So I guess you have no plans pala talaga to talk it out with me... Basta ganun nalang… I’ve known you to be a very open person; you used to tell me how you think and feel about certain things and I expected you to do that but to my dismay, you never did. I guess people do change through time and from what I see, you haven’t been the person I used to know… Well, I can’t blame you if you chose to be that way; I understand we can not change our friends if it is our friends that changed…

I’m not making excuses for what I’ve done; in the first place, I admitted it was my fault. But I just would like to emphasize that you haven’t witnessed what took place in my conversation with Ate Cynthia. I never meant to harm you, never did it came to mind and for that I can truthfully say I have a clean conscience. I could recall saying some things to her about my opinion of you. It’s true, I never denied saying those, nagkataon lang siguro iba ang dating ng pagka-relay sayo kaya minasama mo. Well, I can’t do anything about that. So sad lang kasi I expected you to know me too well pero di pala. Given na nagkamali ako, I don’t think it’s enough reason for you to treat me that way. I am not a kid. I am not dumb and numb not to know what you’re thinking about me and it pains me. Baket? Sa 14 years of friendship natin, ilang beses ba akong pumalpak sayo? I couldn’t think of any, ngayon pa lang yata. Nagkamali nga ako, di pa ibang tao sayo, sa ate mo pa… Know what? After what happened, I’ve promised to myself, I will never set foot in your house ever again and I mean that. Not unless I know where I stand in your family. After hearing from Ate Cynthia niletse-letse raw ako ng nanay mo, di ko ata ma-take makiharap sa kanila and I don’t know if you were able to clear things up with them -- that I can not be held responsible for whatever decisions you have made. You never cared to tell me…

I know this will come as a shock to you especially to Lerma. She doesn’t know alam ko you’re 2 months on the family way. I accidentally scanned her inbox instead of the photos and I got to read all your messages for her. And one thing that caught my attention there was nawalan ka ng gana samin after all that has happened… Is it not quite unfair for you to say that especially to Elvie and Marichu? They haven’t done anything against you, why do you have to drag them along? And before you say that, maybe you might just want to get a mirror first and ask yourself what is your relationship with us a few months or years back? Ibig sabihin pala no’n, you’re getting on with us with all hypocrisy??? You know how I hate people na nagpapakaplastic… Di sa kung ano pa man ha, but I just want to be open with you talaga, this chance might not happen again. I am not speaking in their behalf; I can not speak for them. Pero sakin lang, I never felt you cared for our friendship. I don’t have to make a rundown of the things I felt you’ve done na nakakasama ng loob, you just have to reflect on it. I understand di ka lang ganoon ka sensitive pagdating sa mga ganyang bagay. I know how you are. I remember Marichu & Elvie telling me to talk it out with you but I told them, you’re old enough to know right from wrong… I just don’t like it when you get to say things you don’t mean. You’ve said you’re working now in Pasig and I get to hear you’re still waiting for the final interview, which is which? Sometimes I don’t know when you’re telling the truth and when you are not… Another thing, “palabra de honor” is essential to gain people’s trust and respect, and making excuses for what you have or you haven’t done is not a way to win that. I believe you know that too well, you just have to live it up… And you have to remember that we almost have the same circle of friends, information comes to me handy, I do not ask for them, it’s like no secrets have been kept unrevealed to me for long. It just goes without saying how small the world is!

I am not saying all these because I want to inflict pain, BIG NO! I merely want to express everything to you in the open. I just hope you’ll be open-minded and rational enough about this whole thing. I know things will never be the same again. It is all up to you. I waited long for this moment to come, yong masabi ko yong nasa isip ko. Isip ko dati, before New Year I’ll text you so that we could leave everything behind us before the year ends but you might say wala kang na-receive, wala kang load or pasa-load lang load mo kaya mabuti na siguro yong ganito. You were the first one who isolated yourself from us and it’s a choice you’ve made, wala kaming magagawa about that. Ganun talaga ang buhay, magugulat ka nalang how people change…

I know how difficult things can be for you now but I believe you’re a strong girl and a fighter at that, I know you can surpass all of these… You need to gather all the strength that you could get for your baby…

Well, I guess I’ve said my piece. I couldn’t say I’m happy coz I got to say everything I want to say. I know it would bring back the past and hurt you in the process. But we need to face it. This is more of a relief for me, having to express everything to you regardless of what you might think and feel… When I wrote down all the things I get to say here, I’ve thought about them long and hard. So I wouldn’t say you’re getting under my skin, may be kind of emotional but I am thinking rationally and logically. You might hate me as much as you would like or you could bulls**t me, or you could think the other way, that I mean well after all…

Got to end up here and I hope things will turn out right for you. I’m glad Lerma is there; you could get to share everything to her without doubt. I know how difficult it would be for you without someone you could get to share your fears with and all that… I know how a good friend Lerma could be and I know she would stand by you when worse comes to worse…

Take care and God bless…


ELLAINE

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