Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Love at its Worst

Committing suicide as a form of emotional blackmail is a very traumatic experience. My first boyfriend used to do that when we were still together for almost 3 years. The agony and the guilt knowing that he will take his own life because of me made my life so miserable all those years. Whenever we have a slight argument and worse, if he knew I was on the verge of breaking up with him, he would always attempt to take his own life, right before my very eyes! I was on the brink of losing my sanity as this ordeal kept haunting me even in my dreams. I can not live with my conscience if something of that kind ever happened to him, all because of me. My golly! I am not worth dying for! And I am not even beautiful for him to waste his life over me. Clearly, he resorted to emotional blackmail because he wanted to get his own way. It’s something that I do not want to happen ever again in my life. You can feel no peace of mind. Harmonious relationship is not taking place,

I have always tried to reflect, have I been a good girlfriend to him? The answer would always be in the affirmative except for one. I couldn’t love him back the same intensity that he loved me. Condemn me if you must. But I’ve tried everything to make our relationship work but insecurities and lack of trust have eaten him up. I know I shouldn’t have talked about him because he’s no longer in my life but he WAS part of the life I tread. He loved me the best way he knew how. He did everything to win my love and that of my family. But I can not imagine myself going through the same ordeal over and over again.

I am no relationship expert but over the years, I’ve learned that LOVE is not the only reason why a relationship stands. Love alone won’t hold a relationship or marriage together. Love can weaken, or worse, destroy a strong relationship. The ultimate key that will keep the relationship going is TRUST (I know what you’re thinking, naughty!). Showing understanding and forgiving the person you so love will pave the way to a long-lasting relationship.

I am not condemning my ex-boyfriend. He is not a bad person or crazy or weak. It just so happened that he doesn’t have enough coping mechanisms to battle what’s bothering inside him and he used all these at my expense.
Let bygones be bygones.
I’m glad I have surpassed all that, both emotional and psychological turmoils. As to how, it’s God’s intervention and His continuing love and guidance. I couldn’t have done it in my lonesome. You can read more HERE.

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